Psychotherapist
It’s not lost on me that throughout my life, I had more training to write an essay than how to be in a relationship. Like many men, I had to learn by piecing things together—growing up in a household with a mom and two sisters and absorbing what I could from popular culture. I was diligent in my search for the “right one.” But after finding three of these women over ten years, with each relationship ending in similar ways, something didn’t seem right.
I noticed a troubling pattern. I found myself having the same kinds of fights and reacting to the same behavior. Even after finding my partner and mother of my child, and even though I had resolved to “make it work,” I discovered we were going down the same rabbit holes.
She was anxious, and I didn’t want to deal with her feelings. She perceived that I was not listening or being supportive, which I found frustrating—after all, I’m a therapist; that’s impossible, right? Yet, there I was, retreating emotionally, tending to those late-night fantasies about finding a woman who would love me, always be happy, and make all my dreams come true.
Looking at my upbringing, it wasn’t surprising to see where I lacked guidance. My parents didn’t model healthy relationship dynamics. They did their best, but they didn’t teach me how to relate in healthy ways.
Like so many men, I turned to relationship books, hoping for answers. The “techniques” I picked up to calm my partner didn’t work. Nothing did until I found two things that completely reshaped my outlook: fairy tales and myself.
I believe fairy tales aren’t just stories to scare children into being “good”. At their best, fairy tales contain protocols for culture, and our ancestors might have been wise enough to know that a story is much easier to remember than a set of instructions. Stories like Iron John, the Lindworm, and the Handless Maiden gave me tremendous insight into what forces affected me and my wife and gave me hints at a path forward.
Fairy tales are also so relatable – they are a way in which I can see my own challenges and shortcomings without shame. These stories helped me confront how much I wanted to be seen as “the good guy” by my wife and how I ignored my feelings and boundaries. I was engaging with her in an unhealthy pattern of taking responsibility for things that weren’t mine.
The second major shift wasn’t about fixing my partner but becoming a Self. This is something many of us avoid. Like most men, I relied heavily on logic and what I thought was “objectively right.” That approach served me well in life but left me unprepared for the emotional dynamics of a relationship.
Being a Self meant defining my values and standing by them. I had to identify and commit to my boundaries. Before I could expect anything from my partner, I needed to live up to these expectations myself. This allowed me to set healthier “rules of engagement”:
For example, I’d say, “Honey, I love you and want to support you, but I’m not okay with being called names or yelled at. I need to take ten minutes of space, and then I’ll come back to see if we can talk calmly.”
At first, my wife didn’t love these new boundaries. But after a couple of times, she really appreciated that I was letting her know I had a line and was looking after myself for the benefit of the relationship. Funnily enough, she began to trust me more, and I was able to better navigate the challenges that arise between what she wants, what I want, and what my daughter wants.
This is an ongoing process that I practice and study all the time. I believe that we suffer in relationships not because we are bad people, but because we haven’t had the tools and mentoring to navigate such a difficult part of life. And that’s where options like marriage counselling and male therapy can make a difference.
Nobody deserves to face marriage struggles without the tools to overcome them. At Men Therapy Toronto, we get it. Our counselors provide personalized support through expert psychotherapy to help men build stronger, more fulfilling marriages.
Relationships can be repaired, strengthened, and revitalized with the right effort and support—book with us for in-person or online psychotherapy.
Eric Pierni, MA, CSAT, RP opened Men Therapy Toronto in 2016 with the primary intention of fulfilling its mission and vision. Eric is a Registered Psychotherapist with the College of Registered Psychotherapists of Ontario (CRPO) and a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist with the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP).
