If a man chooses not to view pornography, it is easy to become fixated on avoiding the habit. This fixation might consume his thoughts and become a central focus of his life. The previous article in this series established that managing urges is an important pillar to stopping any habit.
However, in the long term, what a man does outside of his pornography viewing is paramount. This article will explore the importance of living a balanced lifestyle after addiction, which is an essential step in maintaining a commitment to avoiding pornography.
The final stage of recovery from any bad/undesirable habit is when the individual has replaced the undesirable behavior with activities that they enjoy and that bring them fulfillment (SMART Recovery, 2015). A reliable way to identify satisfying activities is to ground these activities in personal values. A core personal value is anything important in life that guides decision-making or is a foundation for one’s identity.
Values may be related to what a man believes are the characteristics of a good man, how he wants to treat others, or how he wants to be seen by others. Values may also revolve around family, friends, and community. In addition, work ethic and hobbies could be potential sources of values, such as religion, spirituality, nature, and creativity. Even culture and heritage might influence values.
Sometimes, values may come into conflict. For example, a man might value autonomy. This might translate into desiring the freedom to be able to choose what he does in his spare time.
Additionally, he might have a liberal view of sex and think of pornography as a form of entertainment that meets a desire for sexual arousal and release. At the same time, this man might value being a caring partner to his spouse. But what if his spouse has different views on pornography and objects to his viewing of it? This might lead to an internal conflict between his values and an external conflict with his partner (Binnie & Reavey, 2020).
One way to reconcile conflicting values is to create a hierarchy of values (SMART Recovery, 2015). This activity helps individuals identify discrepancies between what is important to them and their current behaviours. It involves two seemingly simple steps that could be challenging for someone unaccustomed to examining their values. The steps are to:
Rank those values in order of importance, where 1 represents the most important and 10 is the least important.
Based on the outcome of the above exercise, a man can decide if it is more important to him to have sexual autonomy or to be a good partner by compromising to avoid conflict. Ranking his values would also allow him to monitor how he spends his time and whether he is engaging in activities that meet multiple values. As more of the higher-order values are satisfied, a man achieves more balance in his life and greater porn recovery success.
In the pursuit of balance, it is important not to overlook the importance of sex. A balanced lifestyle meets all of our needs, and sex is a fundamental human need. That sex is part of being human is supported by science, philosophy, and religion. Research in neuroscience and psychology shows that romantic connection is a powerful aspect of human evolution that encompasses passion and intimacy (Fletcher et al., 2015).
This might be a factor in the allure of pornography—it is connected to a strong and fundamental human drive for connection. Therefore, it can be argued that it would be difficult for a man to live without porn if it is the only way that he is satisfying his sexual needs.
That sexual desire is fundamental to human nature is also accepted by many of the world’s religious and spiritual traditions. In some African societies, symbolic sexual intercourse between officiating persons is incorporated into solemn rituals (Mbiti, 1976, as cited in Ndoma, 2019).
In others, sex is viewed as an experience that is normal to pursue but which must not be pursued in excess (Okechi, 2018). Like African traditions, Jewish beliefs are certainly not monolithic. Yet some interpretations of the Torah highlight the importance of sexual intercourse between married couples (Epstein-Levi, 2019; The Contemporary Torah, 2006, Exodus 21:10-11).
In the Christian faith, Paul recognised sexual desire as a legitimate human need and encouraged marriage as a healthy outlet for such desire. He urged Christians to marry instead of being inflamed with passion, acknowledging sexual desire as natural and stronger in some than others (New International Version Bible, 2022, 1 Cor. 7:2, 8,9). And in Islam, The Qur’an describes sexual relations as natural and divinely sanctioned (The Qu’ran, Surah Ar-Rum, 30:21).
In Buddhism, monastic tradition eschews sex, and some lay practitioners follow precepts that might restrict sexual activities. However, most Buddhists view sexual expression as a normal way of dealing with desire in the human realm of life (Nash, 2020; Chandaratana, 2017). Finally, in Hinduism, the Indian philosopher Vatsyayana’s Kama Sutra celebrates sex and views sexual gratification as important in human life (Chaturvedi, 2023).
Whether viewed from a scientific, religious, or philosophical viewpoint, sexuality is a core part of being human. Therefore, sexual expression should be part of a balanced life. However, such sexual expression must align with a man’s belief system to avoid the moral dilemma discussed in the previous article (Grubbs & Perry, 2019).
This series of articles has taken an expanded view of pornography and examined not only visual material of a sexual nature but also sexually stimulating written and audible content. The term “addiction” was also considered from the perspective of its colloquial meaning (something that is done regularly or that is hard to stop doing) and its scientific meaning (an official condition with diagnostic criteria).
It was proposed that sexual desire is a natural human need and that pornography fills that need for some men. If a man objects to viewing pornography, there are strategies that he can use to overcome this habit. A key factor in this process is for the man to create a life built on the values that are important to him. A life lived in line with one’s values, one that is filled with values-based activities and healthy sexual expression can be fulfilling and satisfying.
